This is exactly it and thank you for understanding. It's wild how much that helps. It's not like I reconsider any decision I made, and I do consider myself to be "healed"... but having someone tell you they 'get it'? It's medicine you didn't know you needed every single time. Thank you, Leslie❤️
Perhaps more than anything in the world. Correct. And that’s the reason, really, why we aren’t in contact any longer. One moment was too big, too important… and they chose themselves. The proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back…
So it’s so interesting to hear you completely sum them up in one simple sentence. But you and I both know that that’s sort of it, yeah? How simple everything is once you learn who they are.
Don’t they though? After my mother split from my dad, she and her girlfriend moved us to a place with no public transport, 10 kms from the nearest train station. When we arrived at the station after an access weekend (the trains run every hour on a Sunday so not hard to figure out when we would get in) we were told to ring her and start walking. One Sunday she didn’t turn up at all so we walked the whole way, with our stuff, on roads with no footpath. We were 11, 10, and 9 years old.
When we are infants, we need our parents to choose US over everything else. As we grow up, when we see evidence of our parents choosing something else over our well being (choosing alcohol, protecting their own ego, not providing a clean or safe home, not protecting you from people who harm you) it can show up as abandonment. It’s terrorizing not knowing if they can be relied on. And utterly demoralizing to be shown you’re not as worthy as a case of beer, or bath towel. And then she chose her SOFA over her own grandchild. You got your why, but I suspect you knew it and felt it all along. You’ve done the right things (and you know it). Keep on choosing yourself and your family!!
So eloquently and helpfully expressed. Thank you Abbey. And my god my heart broke in how you described your experience picking your daughter up — I’m currently starting to potty train my 19 month old and I can only imagine the heartbreak of what that experience felt like. As the comment above says — you’re an incredible cycle breaker.
Kiya!!! Oh, love… this is so powerful and beautiful. Thank you. I received a lot of very unsavory comments about this the first time I published it. So every bit of alignment hits deep. Thank you. Love to you❤️
I honestly feel I didn’t have kids or have an adult relationship because of how I was treated and of course how it left me. I realize now I felt infantilized. Incapable. Chaotic. And it still took me 40 years to really see it. I no longer even want to leave my dog with them.
Oh man. Libby, this is so powerful. I understand all of this. How we are parented really does set us up for all sorts of things later in life. And it takes soooo long to fully come to terms with it all. I think that’s because deep down inside, we really want things to work out. Because we’re told that we’re supposed to stick with these people for the rest of our lives. But I am living proof that that is not the story that everyone has. And I’m very grateful to be where I am right now. And I’m very grateful to have you share with me ❤️.
<3 Yes. Thank you for your kind words, Abbey. it’s such a journey adult life. Not at all how I expected. But I can feel myself coming into some kind of self-possession and self-assuredness in ways I’ve never felt it before and it is such a relief! And a thing I didn’t even realize i was missing. <3
I was actually thinking to ask you, in my previous response, do you now feel so strong? Despite not attaining my lifelong dream of having my own family, I feel like I am just a singular human being navigating the world alone, but with freedoms that were never available to women at any point in history. Not having the support of a partner (really ever) having never had the support of parents, and without the purpose that parenthood provides, nor the acceptance and understanding that society extends to family, I am a one woman on foot going traveller . Do you relate at all to this????
Thank you love for sharing this strong Piece. I am sending you the biggest hug from my heart. You are a wonderful mum and I am proud of you❤️ I grew up under the same circumstances and I am now batteling a breaking point with my mum and stepfather. I have only kept contact cause of my eldest son who’s she manipulate against me, she pours him with love and treats him like her best friend. I have 4 sons and she pretends to be the perfect grandmother but when we stay over she gets drunk and start a fight with me or her husband and I had enough of this shit. When I read this I felt that I need to brave as you. I wish you all the best. ❤️❤️❤️
You are brave!!! You’re so brave, Michelle. Thank you so much for your kind words. And I’m so sorry you’re going through what you are. I deeply understand it. If you ever needed to talk, please let me know. I’m sending you a hug right back❤️
Abbey, thank you so much — for your kind words. I truly look forward to reading more of your writing — there’s so much healing for me to read your writings. It means a lot that you replied, and I may take you up on that offer. Sending love and a long hug right back to you ❤️
Thank you, Kerry. I really appreciate your kindness here. And you’re having the appropriate response. It was hard to get back into that space to write this. But it was an important piece to put out there. Love to you❤️
You know you're doing things right when you strive to do just a little bit 'better' than your folks. Even in a setting that was devoid of dysfunction, striving for 'better' is how we evolve and create a stronger future for our planet and its people x
My adoptive son was raised in a home like yours (I typoed "hole" and ngl, almost left it). He didn't survive past 25 because of the damage done to him. I wish I could give you a hug and thank you, deeply, for giving your children what you should have had 💞 I'm sorry about your parents, but applaud you for breaking free... I know from intimate secondhand experience how impossible that can be for some
Bear… this is a tremendous gift. And my heart is wide open for you and your adoptive son. I wish I could hug you. I really do. I won’t say I know everything that you’ve gone through, or felt… or are still feeling. But I promise I know enough to want to hold your hand.
I'll write about it properly when I have the strength someday, but suffice to say... love healed him, then terrified him beyond all reason, then killed him because he couldn't live with what he did when he got triggered. Not the easiest time of my life. So when I hear stories about people like him who didn't collapse under the pressure of the hand they were dealt, I'm always inspired and amazed. I wrote this for him, but maybe I should share it with you too...
Your article has stirred up so much for me that I can't decide which experience to comment about. So I won't write about any. I'll just say, I hope you don't receive any nasty replies this time round. 🩷
You are always welcome to share with me if you think it would help. And thank you.. there have been a couple less than ideal comments. They’re up there somewhere. I try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt and the chance to clarify before I assume I know what they mean.
You certainly have much more forgiveness than I could ever have. I too was “raised” by parents who treated me like a stepchild or an outsider, not because of alcohol or drugs, but because of social insecurities and hatred of educated people, so I was the target child. Intentionally. They admitted everything when I was in my 30s. I didn't have children because of not wanting to repeat their behavior and inflict damage on innocents. My siblings have repeatedly told me to forgive them. Couldn't do it because when they admitted what they had done, they never apologized and instead laughed in my face. My mother later wrote to me and said it didn't matter what happened in the past that she expected me to be part of the family and do what was expected of me. No sorry. No are you ok? Nothing!! They are gone now and I still feel like an outsider.
You are very fortunate that you could give so much love and kindness to your daughter. And also to get your mother to reveal her truth
Susan… I feel this. And I understand it. I also understand you, and you are not alone. I’m so sorry that you went through all that you did. And I need you to know that you are welcome to share with me anytime. Getting things out is always better than keeping them in, I’ve found. But the most important thing you should know is that you are not alone. Love to you❤️
I think the most misunderstood component of abuse victims and why they stay or keep trying is that it really twists your mind when someone who is supposed to love you is treating you horribly, beyond anything in a realm of normal. The worse it gets it’s not like oh it’s so obvious it’s even more mind warping why would someone who is supposed to love me that I love why aren’t there limits. Why does this make so little sense? I’m trying to put limits in and to communicate even to change my own behavior and nothing is working. I can’t even keep it stable. But of course once you’ve put in all that effort you know it’s not up to you. Doesn’t make it any easier to believe or cope with.
It’s not that you can never see your parents though that may be the right choice for you. From this story the lesson is they cannot stay with your kids alone ever. No different than not under any circumstances leaving a child with an irresponsible person that you know is irresponsible. It’s generally always about planning and money. You have to be willing to do both and in a crunch, the money. Usually you can find an agency that will find you someone very short notice but it will cost you. The way to make it more affordable is to plan with contingencies. I’m not saying this is entirely safe it’s always scary to have a stranger but everyone has to take that risk at some point unless they have constant on call help which most people don’t. Don’t ever second guess yourself. Your kids can’t be alone with your parents. I wouldn’t even do it if they showed signs of changing stakes are just too high. You could try maybe an hour with them very infrequently trying to stick to something you all like cutting it short if it’s going poorly or just move on and don’t look back. No one deserves abuse least of all a child. Abuse is always a function of a very faulty value system.
Once you realize someone is feeding you poison, you are not required to eat it. Good for you for finding your peace and creating it for your kids.
This is exactly it and thank you for understanding. It's wild how much that helps. It's not like I reconsider any decision I made, and I do consider myself to be "healed"... but having someone tell you they 'get it'? It's medicine you didn't know you needed every single time. Thank you, Leslie❤️
Thanks Abbey. I completely agree. It makes us feel less alone and for me it's the antidote for the my self doubt.
Thanks, it's been a lifetimes work but rewiring childhood trauma isn't easy.
It’s not. It’s not easy at all. But it is possible. I think the hardest things we do are the most important ones. This journey feels destined
Narcissistic parents hate being inconvenienced.
Perhaps more than anything in the world. Correct. And that’s the reason, really, why we aren’t in contact any longer. One moment was too big, too important… and they chose themselves. The proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back…
So it’s so interesting to hear you completely sum them up in one simple sentence. But you and I both know that that’s sort of it, yeah? How simple everything is once you learn who they are.
So true. I've had to do so much reparenting work because I just couldn't even recognise my needs because I'd been suppressing them for so damn long.
Don’t they though? After my mother split from my dad, she and her girlfriend moved us to a place with no public transport, 10 kms from the nearest train station. When we arrived at the station after an access weekend (the trains run every hour on a Sunday so not hard to figure out when we would get in) we were told to ring her and start walking. One Sunday she didn’t turn up at all so we walked the whole way, with our stuff, on roads with no footpath. We were 11, 10, and 9 years old.
Kristen!! I’m so sorry. I have so many similar stories like this… it’s wild. I hope you know your worth now and get the love you deserve
@Oliver Claire ❤️
@Esoterik Espionage ❤️
@Sincap Rakun ❤️
When we are infants, we need our parents to choose US over everything else. As we grow up, when we see evidence of our parents choosing something else over our well being (choosing alcohol, protecting their own ego, not providing a clean or safe home, not protecting you from people who harm you) it can show up as abandonment. It’s terrorizing not knowing if they can be relied on. And utterly demoralizing to be shown you’re not as worthy as a case of beer, or bath towel. And then she chose her SOFA over her own grandchild. You got your why, but I suspect you knew it and felt it all along. You’ve done the right things (and you know it). Keep on choosing yourself and your family!!
Aw. Thank you so much for this. I think I always knew… but when you’re inside a codependent relationship, you don’t really see things as they are.
I’m glad I saw things clearly eventually, and left.
Thank you again for this❤️
So eloquently and helpfully expressed. Thank you Abbey. And my god my heart broke in how you described your experience picking your daughter up — I’m currently starting to potty train my 19 month old and I can only imagine the heartbreak of what that experience felt like. As the comment above says — you’re an incredible cycle breaker.
Kiya!!! Oh, love… this is so powerful and beautiful. Thank you. I received a lot of very unsavory comments about this the first time I published it. So every bit of alignment hits deep. Thank you. Love to you❤️
I honestly feel I didn’t have kids or have an adult relationship because of how I was treated and of course how it left me. I realize now I felt infantilized. Incapable. Chaotic. And it still took me 40 years to really see it. I no longer even want to leave my dog with them.
Oh man. Libby, this is so powerful. I understand all of this. How we are parented really does set us up for all sorts of things later in life. And it takes soooo long to fully come to terms with it all. I think that’s because deep down inside, we really want things to work out. Because we’re told that we’re supposed to stick with these people for the rest of our lives. But I am living proof that that is not the story that everyone has. And I’m very grateful to be where I am right now. And I’m very grateful to have you share with me ❤️.
<3 Yes. Thank you for your kind words, Abbey. it’s such a journey adult life. Not at all how I expected. But I can feel myself coming into some kind of self-possession and self-assuredness in ways I’ve never felt it before and it is such a relief! And a thing I didn’t even realize i was missing. <3
That’s amazing!!! What an incredible time to be you. Cheering you on, Libby. Love and strength to you❤️
Thanks so much. <3
I was actually thinking to ask you, in my previous response, do you now feel so strong? Despite not attaining my lifelong dream of having my own family, I feel like I am just a singular human being navigating the world alone, but with freedoms that were never available to women at any point in history. Not having the support of a partner (really ever) having never had the support of parents, and without the purpose that parenthood provides, nor the acceptance and understanding that society extends to family, I am a one woman on foot going traveller . Do you relate at all to this????
I hear ya....same boat....they were all I ever wanted too.
Thank you love for sharing this strong Piece. I am sending you the biggest hug from my heart. You are a wonderful mum and I am proud of you❤️ I grew up under the same circumstances and I am now batteling a breaking point with my mum and stepfather. I have only kept contact cause of my eldest son who’s she manipulate against me, she pours him with love and treats him like her best friend. I have 4 sons and she pretends to be the perfect grandmother but when we stay over she gets drunk and start a fight with me or her husband and I had enough of this shit. When I read this I felt that I need to brave as you. I wish you all the best. ❤️❤️❤️
You are brave!!! You’re so brave, Michelle. Thank you so much for your kind words. And I’m so sorry you’re going through what you are. I deeply understand it. If you ever needed to talk, please let me know. I’m sending you a hug right back❤️
Abbey, thank you so much — for your kind words. I truly look forward to reading more of your writing — there’s so much healing for me to read your writings. It means a lot that you replied, and I may take you up on that offer. Sending love and a long hug right back to you ❤️
This means so much!! I’m so happy to have met you. And can’t wait to learn more❤️
Same ❤️❤️❤️❤️
Tough read and wonderfully written. I’m boiling with anger that you and a child would be treated like this.
Thank you, Kerry. I really appreciate your kindness here. And you’re having the appropriate response. It was hard to get back into that space to write this. But it was an important piece to put out there. Love to you❤️
You know you're doing things right when you strive to do just a little bit 'better' than your folks. Even in a setting that was devoid of dysfunction, striving for 'better' is how we evolve and create a stronger future for our planet and its people x
Awww. Rebecca! This is so lovely. Thank you. And you’re right… better is definitely good. I’m proud to say we’re thriving.
Thank you so much❤️
My adoptive son was raised in a home like yours (I typoed "hole" and ngl, almost left it). He didn't survive past 25 because of the damage done to him. I wish I could give you a hug and thank you, deeply, for giving your children what you should have had 💞 I'm sorry about your parents, but applaud you for breaking free... I know from intimate secondhand experience how impossible that can be for some
Bear… this is a tremendous gift. And my heart is wide open for you and your adoptive son. I wish I could hug you. I really do. I won’t say I know everything that you’ve gone through, or felt… or are still feeling. But I promise I know enough to want to hold your hand.
I'll write about it properly when I have the strength someday, but suffice to say... love healed him, then terrified him beyond all reason, then killed him because he couldn't live with what he did when he got triggered. Not the easiest time of my life. So when I hear stories about people like him who didn't collapse under the pressure of the hand they were dealt, I'm always inspired and amazed. I wrote this for him, but maybe I should share it with you too...
https://www.bearwiseman.com/creative-writing/i-see-you
Thank you for this. I’m going to save it for when I have the proper space and time it deserves. I appreciate you sharing it with me so much
Your article has stirred up so much for me that I can't decide which experience to comment about. So I won't write about any. I'll just say, I hope you don't receive any nasty replies this time round. 🩷
You are always welcome to share with me if you think it would help. And thank you.. there have been a couple less than ideal comments. They’re up there somewhere. I try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt and the chance to clarify before I assume I know what they mean.
I’m giving you a hug right now❤️
You and your daughter are lucky to have one another ❤️
You certainly have much more forgiveness than I could ever have. I too was “raised” by parents who treated me like a stepchild or an outsider, not because of alcohol or drugs, but because of social insecurities and hatred of educated people, so I was the target child. Intentionally. They admitted everything when I was in my 30s. I didn't have children because of not wanting to repeat their behavior and inflict damage on innocents. My siblings have repeatedly told me to forgive them. Couldn't do it because when they admitted what they had done, they never apologized and instead laughed in my face. My mother later wrote to me and said it didn't matter what happened in the past that she expected me to be part of the family and do what was expected of me. No sorry. No are you ok? Nothing!! They are gone now and I still feel like an outsider.
You are very fortunate that you could give so much love and kindness to your daughter. And also to get your mother to reveal her truth
It certainly freed you. ♥️♥️
Susan… I feel this. And I understand it. I also understand you, and you are not alone. I’m so sorry that you went through all that you did. And I need you to know that you are welcome to share with me anytime. Getting things out is always better than keeping them in, I’ve found. But the most important thing you should know is that you are not alone. Love to you❤️
I think the most misunderstood component of abuse victims and why they stay or keep trying is that it really twists your mind when someone who is supposed to love you is treating you horribly, beyond anything in a realm of normal. The worse it gets it’s not like oh it’s so obvious it’s even more mind warping why would someone who is supposed to love me that I love why aren’t there limits. Why does this make so little sense? I’m trying to put limits in and to communicate even to change my own behavior and nothing is working. I can’t even keep it stable. But of course once you’ve put in all that effort you know it’s not up to you. Doesn’t make it any easier to believe or cope with.
It’s not that you can never see your parents though that may be the right choice for you. From this story the lesson is they cannot stay with your kids alone ever. No different than not under any circumstances leaving a child with an irresponsible person that you know is irresponsible. It’s generally always about planning and money. You have to be willing to do both and in a crunch, the money. Usually you can find an agency that will find you someone very short notice but it will cost you. The way to make it more affordable is to plan with contingencies. I’m not saying this is entirely safe it’s always scary to have a stranger but everyone has to take that risk at some point unless they have constant on call help which most people don’t. Don’t ever second guess yourself. Your kids can’t be alone with your parents. I wouldn’t even do it if they showed signs of changing stakes are just too high. You could try maybe an hour with them very infrequently trying to stick to something you all like cutting it short if it’s going poorly or just move on and don’t look back. No one deserves abuse least of all a child. Abuse is always a function of a very faulty value system.
Thank you. I appreciate the time and energy and love that went into this. Love to you❤️
Wow.
Hi, Jane❤️