Seriously, yet again, your story is eerily familiar. Different circumstances, yielding similar results. My golden child brother, my family’s constant refusal to accept me, the way it trickles down to my own two kids… the list goes on and on.
I wrote something about being the black sheep, of two black sheep. You’d think they would treat their own children better. Especially those used and abused moms (like my own) just jumping right in on the bandwagon of prized sons over malignant daughters. 🥺
Thank you again for sharing. Your words paint such a picture, I could see myself as a little girl, ignored and berated by my own family, just like your baby girl. You’re giving me the courage to share some of my really raw writings. ❤️
Oh wow… this is so powerful, Mindy. Writing it really does help. It releases it. And it helps make the madness and chaos make sense, and mean something. Thank you for sharing and I look forward to reading more of you❤️
This reminds me of a quote that I've had pinned on my bulletin board since my kids were babies. (They're now adults, but I still keep the quote on display.) It's from Carl Semmelroth, Ph. D.
"Parenting is more like gardening than sculpting. Like flowers, children contain the 'plan' for their development. When you plant what you thought was a red tulip and it comes up yellow, you don't spray its blossoms with red paint."
More poignant than ever in today's world, don't you think?
Oh girl, I’ve got three daughters and reading this brought up so so much. My girls have been my greatest healers, just by existing and I remember in the very beginning of motherhood thinking, you will never be a part of my children’s lives bc as their mother it’s my duty to protect them from people like you… and so that’s exactly what I’ve done! You’re not alone in this decision. 🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻
Powerful and sad. No one should treat a child in such a way, for you or her. I am happy you can be the one you should be with her. Enjoy! Now is the time for magic. Chasing butterflies, Fireflies, and yes, have fun. This is good. This proves your writing is to be followed. Thank you for sharing. ❣️🥹🫶✨🌹
This is amazing and very true and powerful. My children are all adults and I can still find the ways to dig in and be get to know them more, let them feel seen and heard more and more. I recently released a book, a memoir, and my father did not like to, it upset him, he didn’t tell me my mother did. And my mother said she can’t read it. And that’s all ok because it was for them it was for me. But this feels really interesting to observe with all you have share here. Human, we are funny things
Hi, Alicia! I’m so glad you got to release parts of yourself that needed to get out in that book. And you’re right, that’s only for you. If it helps others.. then that’s even better. Writing is so medicinal.
And I also love that it seems like you have been a very present mother. If your adult children are choosing to stick around.. trust me. That’s how you know. Thank you, dear❤️
Thank you for your words. And I am close with my 4 adult children. It’s a constant leaving of all of our new places and relationships together and we are loving each other through it.
I can empathize with Your story, even as a man. I grew up feeling more like my parents’ possession than a child loved by them, for more reasons than I can entertain here.
Interesting and fine story, Abbey. It’s just incredible what so many children endure during their young years, and it’s even more amazing to see those that rise above their predicaments to become wonderful, caring, successful and loving people, despite the painful memories.
I am so in love with this moment right here. I never want to genderize any of my experiences. And I’m so happy that you’re sharing with me, Justin.
Parents’ possession… oof. I deeply understand that. I hope you know your worth now and get to feel love and understanding coming your way. Thank you so much❤️
Abbey, I appreciate you writing back and thank you so much for subscribing. I am just getting started and this process is messy. Feel free to give me critical feedback at any point!
The process IS MESSY. It has to be. Because it doesn’t make any sense… until you can translate it into something that does. I will never tell you how to heal. I will only hold out my hand if you ever needed to hold it❤️
Thank you for this. I had one parent where I was continously auditioning to be loved, and never getting the call back. My dad was the polar opposite, and love just flowed out of him... not juat for me, but pretty much everyone within his field of vision.
My experience still left marks though... the ones you might not see, but they're there, and are almost impossible to remove.
Hi, Robert. Thank you for THIS. I’m thankful you had one parent that oozed love for you. I’m happy you got to feel that as a child.
And I don’t think we’re ever meant to erase those marks… we just learn how to make sense of them, I think?And then there’s this beautiful thing that happens where we can use them for good. Whether you want it or not, Robert, I’m hugging you right now ❤️
I agree entirely about not erasing this marks. My dad had a really hard time as child. His father was a womanizing, abusive alcoholic, who would beat his wife in front of their kids. My dad was the oldest, and at 15, he stepped in to protect his mum. As a result, he was the one who was beaten, and got kicked out of the house, walking 20 miles through the night, to an aunt who took him in. She was also pretty evil… in return for her benevolence, he had to get a job at the local mine the next morning, and hand over his unopened pay packet at the end of the week, and then got back an allowance.
The thing is that my dad never forgot this marks, using them to guide him in being the opposite of his father.
And thank you for the hug… I'm hugging you back! 😊
Oh, Robert. Hugging you even more closely now. What a powerful story you just shared with me. Your father made the choice to change his history. He became a pioneer, and that’s incredible. And now you get to choose your story. You’re a beautiful human. Happy to know you
I'd like to share one more postscript to this story. When I was about 10, my older brother had just passed his driving test, and was showing off his reversing skills to a friend, by reversing my dad's car into a tight garage. Not by using the mirror, but by half leaning out of the car and looking back to see where he was going. The thing that he didn't think through was that in order for him to be hanging out of the car so far, the car door needed to be open quite a bit. That realization came a little too late, when the door smashed into the side of the garage as he reversed at speed, pushing it forward, so that the car door would no longer close.
My mum used the 'Wait till your father gets home' line, and he was terrified of what was going to happen. When my dad got home, my mum told him what my brother had done, and my dad didn't say a word. He just went upstairs and went to bed, scared of what he might do if he laid hands on my brother.
After all of the abuse he'd either witnessed or received from his father, my dad had made a vow to himself that he would never hit any of us, and he never did.
This story is incredibly powerful, Robert. I can’t tell you enough how much it means to me that you share these pieces of you with me. I think sharing moments like this helps connect us to the people we are meant to learn from. And I’m grateful to be learning here❤️
Thanks, Abbey. My dad died 32 years ago, and yet I still find myself learning new things from him almost every day. What I’ve come to realize is that we can hear and retell stories all our lives, but the lessons only truly land when we’re ready to receive them.
Like you, I’m so grateful to be here, to be connecting with such incredibly talented writers, and to be learning so much.
Thanks for making me cry while drinking my morning coffee!
You are so helping me understand my husband’s estrangement from his family of origin, after years of him trying and me encouraging on the sidelines to make sense of it.
Can we try to make them understand? Get it? See the error of their selfish ways?
Not on your life.
And these lives in this house of ours are too precious to risk damaging.
Oooof a morning coffee cry is a special one. This is so generous of you to share with me, Susan. I’m honored that I could shine even just a little light on something your family had to endure. But you get it! You understand that there was a choice that had to be made. And I would never choose anything over my children.
Such a powerful piece. You only asked to be loved, cherished and seen. This generational ripple of healing continues. We are called to be cheerleaders, not critics. My face lights up when I see those I love. May we be those mirrors for one another. Loving care your way. 💜🪶
Thank you for sharing your post. Wow, as you love and cherish your daughter, you are healing and showing love back to yourself. That is so powerful! I'm sure your story will validate and support others. You are lovely and amazing in your own right. It's interesting, as I read your post, that I think I've fully realized that my parents re-parented themselves first through my brother and I. My dad was abused as a child and, though stern and not always present, loved us wholly as we were/are. He grew up dirt poor and always made sure we had what we needed, and still does. My mom was one of seven, and there was just the two of us, so she spent lots of time with us individually. I'm sure she was distracted, but I always felt I had her attention when it really mattered. She died when my children were very young and before my youngest was born, and the effect of her loss that is I take better care of myself (physically and mentally). My younger brother was certainly the favorite - I love him, too, he's pretty fantastic. My parents loved me, but I've had to really work to let go of many of the pressures/ideals I felt that they passed on knowingly or unknowingly. Here's to raising daughters that love themselves and keep changing the world for the better! I have two and they are gifts every day.
Kerri… this is so powerful. Everything you just shared with me is so important. And I thank you immensely for giving me the perspective of your parents being the ones to reparent themselves through you! I’ve never had anyone share that with me and I’m grateful to know it. And how kind of you to recognize that, and give them grace in that way. Truly beautiful. It sounds like you’re a fantastic parent and I’m so happy to know you❤️
“like auditioning for the role of ‘loved’ every single day and never getting the role.” That was such a powerful line. And your daughter sounds incredible. Bravo for giving your daughter and yourself what they could not.
Aww hi, Stephanie!! Thank you so much for this. And she is very incredible :-) She’s her own thing and I’m so happy and lucky to watch her figure it all out!! I love learning from both of my kids every day. Sending you a lot of love on what I hope is a beautiful day for you❤️
Seriously, yet again, your story is eerily familiar. Different circumstances, yielding similar results. My golden child brother, my family’s constant refusal to accept me, the way it trickles down to my own two kids… the list goes on and on.
I wrote something about being the black sheep, of two black sheep. You’d think they would treat their own children better. Especially those used and abused moms (like my own) just jumping right in on the bandwagon of prized sons over malignant daughters. 🥺
Thank you again for sharing. Your words paint such a picture, I could see myself as a little girl, ignored and berated by my own family, just like your baby girl. You’re giving me the courage to share some of my really raw writings. ❤️
Oh wow… this is so powerful, Mindy. Writing it really does help. It releases it. And it helps make the madness and chaos make sense, and mean something. Thank you for sharing and I look forward to reading more of you❤️
This reminds me of a quote that I've had pinned on my bulletin board since my kids were babies. (They're now adults, but I still keep the quote on display.) It's from Carl Semmelroth, Ph. D.
"Parenting is more like gardening than sculpting. Like flowers, children contain the 'plan' for their development. When you plant what you thought was a red tulip and it comes up yellow, you don't spray its blossoms with red paint."
More poignant than ever in today's world, don't you think?
Oh that’s so perfect! I’ve never heard it before. Thank you for that❤️
Oh girl, I’ve got three daughters and reading this brought up so so much. My girls have been my greatest healers, just by existing and I remember in the very beginning of motherhood thinking, you will never be a part of my children’s lives bc as their mother it’s my duty to protect them from people like you… and so that’s exactly what I’ve done! You’re not alone in this decision. 🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻
Oh, Angela. Thank you for sharing this with me. This is beautiful. I’m so proud of you❤️
Powerful and sad. No one should treat a child in such a way, for you or her. I am happy you can be the one you should be with her. Enjoy! Now is the time for magic. Chasing butterflies, Fireflies, and yes, have fun. This is good. This proves your writing is to be followed. Thank you for sharing. ❣️🥹🫶✨🌹
Thank you again, Mark. Happy to get to know you more!
Me too. Looking forward to reading all yours. 🌹✨🫶🥹
“She gets to be raised in a way that lets her sparkle keep sparkling.”💖✨ LOVE.
Awwwww. Thanks, lovely❤️
This is amazing and very true and powerful. My children are all adults and I can still find the ways to dig in and be get to know them more, let them feel seen and heard more and more. I recently released a book, a memoir, and my father did not like to, it upset him, he didn’t tell me my mother did. And my mother said she can’t read it. And that’s all ok because it was for them it was for me. But this feels really interesting to observe with all you have share here. Human, we are funny things
Hi, Alicia! I’m so glad you got to release parts of yourself that needed to get out in that book. And you’re right, that’s only for you. If it helps others.. then that’s even better. Writing is so medicinal.
And I also love that it seems like you have been a very present mother. If your adult children are choosing to stick around.. trust me. That’s how you know. Thank you, dear❤️
Thank you for your words. And I am close with my 4 adult children. It’s a constant leaving of all of our new places and relationships together and we are loving each other through it.
Absolutely loved it 💝 Your daughter is adorable!
Aww. Thank you so much❤️
I can empathize with Your story, even as a man. I grew up feeling more like my parents’ possession than a child loved by them, for more reasons than I can entertain here.
Interesting and fine story, Abbey. It’s just incredible what so many children endure during their young years, and it’s even more amazing to see those that rise above their predicaments to become wonderful, caring, successful and loving people, despite the painful memories.
I am so in love with this moment right here. I never want to genderize any of my experiences. And I’m so happy that you’re sharing with me, Justin.
Parents’ possession… oof. I deeply understand that. I hope you know your worth now and get to feel love and understanding coming your way. Thank you so much❤️
Abbey, I appreciate you writing back and thank you so much for subscribing. I am just getting started and this process is messy. Feel free to give me critical feedback at any point!
The process IS MESSY. It has to be. Because it doesn’t make any sense… until you can translate it into something that does. I will never tell you how to heal. I will only hold out my hand if you ever needed to hold it❤️
Thank you for this. I had one parent where I was continously auditioning to be loved, and never getting the call back. My dad was the polar opposite, and love just flowed out of him... not juat for me, but pretty much everyone within his field of vision.
My experience still left marks though... the ones you might not see, but they're there, and are almost impossible to remove.
Hi, Robert. Thank you for THIS. I’m thankful you had one parent that oozed love for you. I’m happy you got to feel that as a child.
And I don’t think we’re ever meant to erase those marks… we just learn how to make sense of them, I think?And then there’s this beautiful thing that happens where we can use them for good. Whether you want it or not, Robert, I’m hugging you right now ❤️
I agree entirely about not erasing this marks. My dad had a really hard time as child. His father was a womanizing, abusive alcoholic, who would beat his wife in front of their kids. My dad was the oldest, and at 15, he stepped in to protect his mum. As a result, he was the one who was beaten, and got kicked out of the house, walking 20 miles through the night, to an aunt who took him in. She was also pretty evil… in return for her benevolence, he had to get a job at the local mine the next morning, and hand over his unopened pay packet at the end of the week, and then got back an allowance.
The thing is that my dad never forgot this marks, using them to guide him in being the opposite of his father.
And thank you for the hug… I'm hugging you back! 😊
Oh, Robert. Hugging you even more closely now. What a powerful story you just shared with me. Your father made the choice to change his history. He became a pioneer, and that’s incredible. And now you get to choose your story. You’re a beautiful human. Happy to know you
Thank you, Abbey.
I'd like to share one more postscript to this story. When I was about 10, my older brother had just passed his driving test, and was showing off his reversing skills to a friend, by reversing my dad's car into a tight garage. Not by using the mirror, but by half leaning out of the car and looking back to see where he was going. The thing that he didn't think through was that in order for him to be hanging out of the car so far, the car door needed to be open quite a bit. That realization came a little too late, when the door smashed into the side of the garage as he reversed at speed, pushing it forward, so that the car door would no longer close.
My mum used the 'Wait till your father gets home' line, and he was terrified of what was going to happen. When my dad got home, my mum told him what my brother had done, and my dad didn't say a word. He just went upstairs and went to bed, scared of what he might do if he laid hands on my brother.
After all of the abuse he'd either witnessed or received from his father, my dad had made a vow to himself that he would never hit any of us, and he never did.
This story is incredibly powerful, Robert. I can’t tell you enough how much it means to me that you share these pieces of you with me. I think sharing moments like this helps connect us to the people we are meant to learn from. And I’m grateful to be learning here❤️
Thanks, Abbey. My dad died 32 years ago, and yet I still find myself learning new things from him almost every day. What I’ve come to realize is that we can hear and retell stories all our lives, but the lessons only truly land when we’re ready to receive them.
Like you, I’m so grateful to be here, to be connecting with such incredibly talented writers, and to be learning so much.
Thanks for making me cry while drinking my morning coffee!
You are so helping me understand my husband’s estrangement from his family of origin, after years of him trying and me encouraging on the sidelines to make sense of it.
Can we try to make them understand? Get it? See the error of their selfish ways?
Not on your life.
And these lives in this house of ours are too precious to risk damaging.
Oooof a morning coffee cry is a special one. This is so generous of you to share with me, Susan. I’m honored that I could shine even just a little light on something your family had to endure. But you get it! You understand that there was a choice that had to be made. And I would never choose anything over my children.
Love to you and yours. Thank you❤️
You got me crying again.
Awww Billy!! Sorry, love. Hugs to you❤️
Hugs to you and your daughter. And I guess we will hug the son too. And now get dad a hug too I guess.
Hugs all around!
Such a powerful piece. You only asked to be loved, cherished and seen. This generational ripple of healing continues. We are called to be cheerleaders, not critics. My face lights up when I see those I love. May we be those mirrors for one another. Loving care your way. 💜🪶
Yes!! Awww yes, Joanie. Stunning words. Thank you so much. And so much love to you, too❤️
Powerful!
Thank you, Nancy❤️
Thank you for sharing your post. Wow, as you love and cherish your daughter, you are healing and showing love back to yourself. That is so powerful! I'm sure your story will validate and support others. You are lovely and amazing in your own right. It's interesting, as I read your post, that I think I've fully realized that my parents re-parented themselves first through my brother and I. My dad was abused as a child and, though stern and not always present, loved us wholly as we were/are. He grew up dirt poor and always made sure we had what we needed, and still does. My mom was one of seven, and there was just the two of us, so she spent lots of time with us individually. I'm sure she was distracted, but I always felt I had her attention when it really mattered. She died when my children were very young and before my youngest was born, and the effect of her loss that is I take better care of myself (physically and mentally). My younger brother was certainly the favorite - I love him, too, he's pretty fantastic. My parents loved me, but I've had to really work to let go of many of the pressures/ideals I felt that they passed on knowingly or unknowingly. Here's to raising daughters that love themselves and keep changing the world for the better! I have two and they are gifts every day.
Kerri… this is so powerful. Everything you just shared with me is so important. And I thank you immensely for giving me the perspective of your parents being the ones to reparent themselves through you! I’ve never had anyone share that with me and I’m grateful to know it. And how kind of you to recognize that, and give them grace in that way. Truly beautiful. It sounds like you’re a fantastic parent and I’m so happy to know you❤️
“like auditioning for the role of ‘loved’ every single day and never getting the role.” That was such a powerful line. And your daughter sounds incredible. Bravo for giving your daughter and yourself what they could not.
Aww hi, Stephanie!! Thank you so much for this. And she is very incredible :-) She’s her own thing and I’m so happy and lucky to watch her figure it all out!! I love learning from both of my kids every day. Sending you a lot of love on what I hope is a beautiful day for you❤️