I am in my late sixties and my parents are gone now, but there wasn’t a day that went by without a comment on my body. My older daughter who is 32 said she had a memory that emerged in therapy of being 4 and listening to my parents berate me around my body and it made her sad. She has a healthy relationship to her body, but her younger sibling does not, and I know it has much to do with my own body rejection, and we are estranged and there is trans stuff and addiction stuff, and their need to not be in touch is something I understand and have respected. I think much has to do with the agony of multigenerational rejection of self and body and appearance being everything. Looking at a pic from their childhood they did say I let them be who they were as a kid, (I think referring to gender which I never thought about, nor was it discussed until 2/3 of their college class adopted non-binary/trans, etc. self definition.) and I said you were just you, your own beautiful and unique being. Their comment which came during a fragile time made me cry. A plan for Zoom therapy fell away, and they are 3,000 miles away and they have drifted off from our small family. Anyway I could write a tome on my disordered eating and how I was super conscious of no dieting or not policing food etc, (How to get your child to eat but not too much, etc.) but it’s not what you say, it’s who you are that is absorbed by osmosis. It’s all wrapped up in rejection of self and body. Great sorrow of my life. They turn 30 this July and I have not sent gifts or cards going on a year and a half, but after reading about your story of not wanting cards on those occasions (as you so beautifully put it, the seasons change and a birthday, a holiday, and cards and gifts follow) and I wanted to ask you if I should just let it be, even though it is a big birthday. My perspective is skewed and I know everyone is so different, but I don’t want any more than for them to know I love them. There are no grandchildren.
I too felt so free when pregnant because it was the first time I wasn’t controlling my body and I intuitively knew it was okay to eat to nourish myself without rules. I loved being a mother, and it was/is the best part of my life. Still close to elder daughter. Anyway, thank you for your brutally honest writing, it is a gift. Made me cry in recognition. Sorry for the length of this, probably should have sent a private message but just started writing. 💕
Hi, Sarah. You don’t have to apologize. I’m honored you felt you could trust me with your story.
Regarding the letter / card being sent… every situation is different, so I don’t know what’s best for you here.
But I will say that you speak with so much love and tenderness. And your intent appears to express those emotions through sending a tangible acknowledgment of them.
My birth father’s intent was to push through a boundary and get the last say. I specifically told him they made the children very uncomfortable and to please stop, and that we were throwing them away before they crossed the threshold of our home.
His response was :
I’ll do whatever I want.
Those are vastly different.
If they have expressed to you vehemently that they do not want any contact with you, including mail, then I think respecting that is wise.
But if they haven’t, and you feel in your heart that you want to acknowledge this occasion from a distance, I think it would be ok to do so.
As for everything else you shared, I’m holding it close to my heart. And I’m here if you wanted to talk any more about it.
This resonates so deeply. I have been reluctant to admit that I have had disordered eating over the years. It is the one thing that could be controlled when all else has seemed chaotic. Perimenopause is tough because just when I thought I had a handle on how my body works, a new wrench has been thrown in. I suspect my relationship with food will never be 100% normal, but I am happy to be in a time when we can talk about it.
Whew. This is powerful, Lindsey. Thank you for sharing. I completely understand this. And I think a lot of people struggle to speak up about it. There’s shame attached to it, which is just completely wrong. Our society has showed us our entire lives how we are supposed to look. And it’s getting better… but then sometimes I fear we’re slipping backwards.
And perimenopause?! Yes, sister. The hell is up with that nasty bitch. We could talk for hours about this. Just know you’re not alone, and I’m absolutely available if you ever wanted to talk. Love to you❤️
I thank you for opening the conversation! And yes, the constant barrage of wonder pills available and quick fixes for perimenopause symptoms overwhelm me which feels like steps backwards, but I have seen some progress with people opening up about their struggles and triumphs. We could probably start a whole thread/club for women in our boat who might want to grab an oar.
That would be amazing, actually. Truly, we need more of that!
And I actually started taking a couple supplements that really helped me (although one makes my pee Gatorade-orange.) I’m not a doctor. Just interested in natural remedies before going any other route. Message me if you want to know? And no, I’m not selling them and this isn’t a pyramid scheme. I’m just cautious of plastering specific health advice publicly
Boy did this resonate with me. My family wasn't as overtly over-the-top as yours but I developed serious body image problems because I have a bigger build and more of a sweet tooth than my sister, who is 17 months older than I. We were both stick-skinny kids till puberty, and then she stayed skinny and I got bigger. My parents sent me to Weight Watchers when I was 11 or 12, and the only time I ever remember my dad yelling at me was when he caught me eating egg rolls straight from the freezer because WW made me so hungry. He died not long after. That's been some heavy baggage to shed (literally)... I'm glad you are dealing with your issues. I'm 64 and I'm done believing that my value comes from how I look. I'm a kind, empathetic, hard-working caring person surrounded by people who love and appreciate me and don't care that my BMI means that I'm obese. I don't feel obese. And I'm healthy: My blood sugar, cholesterol, and blood pressure are all normal to excellent and while I have aches and pains, so do most people my age. I walk an hour and a half every day with my friends and our dogs, I work out with friends once a week and take a yoga-pilates class once a week, and ride my bike as often as I can. To the ignoramuses who claim that being overweight is a disease: it's only a disease if you're sick. The real disease is believing that a person's socially acceptable outward appearance is more important than the quality of their character.
Debby, I feel all of this. I really do. I’m so proud of you. You sound healthy and strong and happy and wise. And that’s the goal right there. Well done, you. Thank you for sharing with me❤️
Every time I read your powerful words I am reminded of parts of my own journey, this time the unhealthy relationship with food and emotional eating. The reminders always come in perfect timing too… thank you 🙏🏻
That wonderfully sweet little girl, forced to hide within you, was finally allowed to blossom into wonderful, beautiful you 🤍
Awww. Hi, lovely. It’s really incredible how insidious this is, isn’t it? Sharing is medicine, I think. And thank you for sharing with me. Love to you❤️
Abbey, what an incredible amount you’ve been through—that past you and that little girl. What a horrible and toxic framework you lived through around food and your body. I’m so sorry.
I have been hesitant to share my story around anorexia. The calorie counting you mentioned…the dozens of times standing on the scale…brought back so much. I remember writing down every calorie and ensuring I didn’t cross over 400. Then I went and ran for miles—hating myself for every calorie. Shaming myself with every stride.
I grew up listening to my dad comment on women’s bodies everywhere we went, especially driving in the car and if a woman was running. And it was extremely black and white—they either were worthless humans, disregarded as if they were doing something wrong to him by not being up to standard or pleasurable to him and worthy. He treated my mom the same way. Her family treated her the same way. I watched her be completely shamed for her body.
And my body has always looked like hers.
My healing came in the form of my husband—who valued me no matter what. An angel sent to me in that regard. He cured me.
I’m so glad you are cured too and that trauma doesn’t harm you any longer. I’m so glad there is light life and air for you to breath again.
Oh, Alice… this is so powerful and precious and I’m grateful you trusted me with sharing it all. I felt every single word you typed. I’ve been there. I’ve heard and seen all of those things myself.
I’m so glad you found your husband who could show you the real you and where your real value comes from.
We are sisters, you and I. That’s what this is. And it’s a very important bond.
Love to you, I’m always here to talk about anything… I know the language❤️
It’s so crazy to go through life feeling so alone with all of these things and then to meet beautiful souls here who know to their bones what we’ve gone through.
That’s a really heavy, but real realization. Just knowing how many people can relate to this subject… I think it’s a lot more than we think. Love to you, Jennifer ❤️
I don’t know if my reply half posted…. I wrote about reverting back in my new book- I didn’t go too in depth, but f*ck… I related so much to this essay that I almost put it down a couple times so thank you. I see you. I got you.
Damn, Jennifer. Thank you. I see you too. I’ve got you. There’s a strong as hell sisterhood that exists within these tales. It’s very important. Big big love to you ❤️
This is incredibly moving. I love these words: "I came from something sad and broken and scary, and spun it into spider silk. I am stronger than steel but I remain soft. That kind of gentle strength can only come from a place of pain." Your story resonates with me so much - I could have written those words. Thank you for sharing your heart.
You have a strong gift. That's why I put my little phrase up for all to know: "A work in progress. Nothing is ever finished." You are moving forward, still growing, and learning. The only easy day was yesterday, which is a phrase I like. You made it this far, and you can keep going. I know it. You know it. Never quit.
Such a healing path you have been walking. It can require many starts, stops and do overs. We all have an “ism.” Some of us know what ours are, and others will be discovered in time. Having the awareness, and loving all our parts. You are feeding her with the most nourishing food now, Love. What your parents were unable to provide her. Saying no, to a generational trauma that was never yours to carry. Setting it down, beginning anew with the dawn of each day. A redemption story filled with so many deep feelings. Loving care to that adorable bikini 👙 little girl, who is a woman now standing in her own agency and power. Lovingly and with aloha. 💜🪶
Awwwww Joanie!!!! Goodness, this is so sweet and generous and kind, and I felt every word. I'll be sure to give this beautiful message to Little Abbey. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts❤️
I could feel my heart breaking and my eyes tearing for that sweet little girl, but what a force she is to have risen like she did. 👏
Aww thank you, Stephanie. You’re so sweet xx❤️
This is so powerful.
I am in my late sixties and my parents are gone now, but there wasn’t a day that went by without a comment on my body. My older daughter who is 32 said she had a memory that emerged in therapy of being 4 and listening to my parents berate me around my body and it made her sad. She has a healthy relationship to her body, but her younger sibling does not, and I know it has much to do with my own body rejection, and we are estranged and there is trans stuff and addiction stuff, and their need to not be in touch is something I understand and have respected. I think much has to do with the agony of multigenerational rejection of self and body and appearance being everything. Looking at a pic from their childhood they did say I let them be who they were as a kid, (I think referring to gender which I never thought about, nor was it discussed until 2/3 of their college class adopted non-binary/trans, etc. self definition.) and I said you were just you, your own beautiful and unique being. Their comment which came during a fragile time made me cry. A plan for Zoom therapy fell away, and they are 3,000 miles away and they have drifted off from our small family. Anyway I could write a tome on my disordered eating and how I was super conscious of no dieting or not policing food etc, (How to get your child to eat but not too much, etc.) but it’s not what you say, it’s who you are that is absorbed by osmosis. It’s all wrapped up in rejection of self and body. Great sorrow of my life. They turn 30 this July and I have not sent gifts or cards going on a year and a half, but after reading about your story of not wanting cards on those occasions (as you so beautifully put it, the seasons change and a birthday, a holiday, and cards and gifts follow) and I wanted to ask you if I should just let it be, even though it is a big birthday. My perspective is skewed and I know everyone is so different, but I don’t want any more than for them to know I love them. There are no grandchildren.
I too felt so free when pregnant because it was the first time I wasn’t controlling my body and I intuitively knew it was okay to eat to nourish myself without rules. I loved being a mother, and it was/is the best part of my life. Still close to elder daughter. Anyway, thank you for your brutally honest writing, it is a gift. Made me cry in recognition. Sorry for the length of this, probably should have sent a private message but just started writing. 💕
This was beautiful.
Aww. You are so sweet, Yvonne. Thank you so much❤️❤️❤️
Hi, Sarah. You don’t have to apologize. I’m honored you felt you could trust me with your story.
Regarding the letter / card being sent… every situation is different, so I don’t know what’s best for you here.
But I will say that you speak with so much love and tenderness. And your intent appears to express those emotions through sending a tangible acknowledgment of them.
My birth father’s intent was to push through a boundary and get the last say. I specifically told him they made the children very uncomfortable and to please stop, and that we were throwing them away before they crossed the threshold of our home.
His response was :
I’ll do whatever I want.
Those are vastly different.
If they have expressed to you vehemently that they do not want any contact with you, including mail, then I think respecting that is wise.
But if they haven’t, and you feel in your heart that you want to acknowledge this occasion from a distance, I think it would be ok to do so.
As for everything else you shared, I’m holding it close to my heart. And I’m here if you wanted to talk any more about it.
Thank you and love to you, Sarah❤️
This resonates so deeply. I have been reluctant to admit that I have had disordered eating over the years. It is the one thing that could be controlled when all else has seemed chaotic. Perimenopause is tough because just when I thought I had a handle on how my body works, a new wrench has been thrown in. I suspect my relationship with food will never be 100% normal, but I am happy to be in a time when we can talk about it.
Whew. This is powerful, Lindsey. Thank you for sharing. I completely understand this. And I think a lot of people struggle to speak up about it. There’s shame attached to it, which is just completely wrong. Our society has showed us our entire lives how we are supposed to look. And it’s getting better… but then sometimes I fear we’re slipping backwards.
And perimenopause?! Yes, sister. The hell is up with that nasty bitch. We could talk for hours about this. Just know you’re not alone, and I’m absolutely available if you ever wanted to talk. Love to you❤️
I thank you for opening the conversation! And yes, the constant barrage of wonder pills available and quick fixes for perimenopause symptoms overwhelm me which feels like steps backwards, but I have seen some progress with people opening up about their struggles and triumphs. We could probably start a whole thread/club for women in our boat who might want to grab an oar.
That would be amazing, actually. Truly, we need more of that!
And I actually started taking a couple supplements that really helped me (although one makes my pee Gatorade-orange.) I’m not a doctor. Just interested in natural remedies before going any other route. Message me if you want to know? And no, I’m not selling them and this isn’t a pyramid scheme. I’m just cautious of plastering specific health advice publicly
Lol. How do I message you?
Hahaha I’ll message you!! In the app, next to the ‘activity’ part where you see your notifications, you’ll see a chat icon. I’ll be in there!
Boy did this resonate with me. My family wasn't as overtly over-the-top as yours but I developed serious body image problems because I have a bigger build and more of a sweet tooth than my sister, who is 17 months older than I. We were both stick-skinny kids till puberty, and then she stayed skinny and I got bigger. My parents sent me to Weight Watchers when I was 11 or 12, and the only time I ever remember my dad yelling at me was when he caught me eating egg rolls straight from the freezer because WW made me so hungry. He died not long after. That's been some heavy baggage to shed (literally)... I'm glad you are dealing with your issues. I'm 64 and I'm done believing that my value comes from how I look. I'm a kind, empathetic, hard-working caring person surrounded by people who love and appreciate me and don't care that my BMI means that I'm obese. I don't feel obese. And I'm healthy: My blood sugar, cholesterol, and blood pressure are all normal to excellent and while I have aches and pains, so do most people my age. I walk an hour and a half every day with my friends and our dogs, I work out with friends once a week and take a yoga-pilates class once a week, and ride my bike as often as I can. To the ignoramuses who claim that being overweight is a disease: it's only a disease if you're sick. The real disease is believing that a person's socially acceptable outward appearance is more important than the quality of their character.
Debby, I feel all of this. I really do. I’m so proud of you. You sound healthy and strong and happy and wise. And that’s the goal right there. Well done, you. Thank you for sharing with me❤️
Every time I read your powerful words I am reminded of parts of my own journey, this time the unhealthy relationship with food and emotional eating. The reminders always come in perfect timing too… thank you 🙏🏻
That wonderfully sweet little girl, forced to hide within you, was finally allowed to blossom into wonderful, beautiful you 🤍
Awww. Hi, lovely. It’s really incredible how insidious this is, isn’t it? Sharing is medicine, I think. And thank you for sharing with me. Love to you❤️
Abbey, what an incredible amount you’ve been through—that past you and that little girl. What a horrible and toxic framework you lived through around food and your body. I’m so sorry.
I have been hesitant to share my story around anorexia. The calorie counting you mentioned…the dozens of times standing on the scale…brought back so much. I remember writing down every calorie and ensuring I didn’t cross over 400. Then I went and ran for miles—hating myself for every calorie. Shaming myself with every stride.
I grew up listening to my dad comment on women’s bodies everywhere we went, especially driving in the car and if a woman was running. And it was extremely black and white—they either were worthless humans, disregarded as if they were doing something wrong to him by not being up to standard or pleasurable to him and worthy. He treated my mom the same way. Her family treated her the same way. I watched her be completely shamed for her body.
And my body has always looked like hers.
My healing came in the form of my husband—who valued me no matter what. An angel sent to me in that regard. He cured me.
I’m so glad you are cured too and that trauma doesn’t harm you any longer. I’m so glad there is light life and air for you to breath again.
Me too. ❤️🩹
Oh, Alice… this is so powerful and precious and I’m grateful you trusted me with sharing it all. I felt every single word you typed. I’ve been there. I’ve heard and seen all of those things myself.
I’m so glad you found your husband who could show you the real you and where your real value comes from.
We are sisters, you and I. That’s what this is. And it’s a very important bond.
Love to you, I’m always here to talk about anything… I know the language❤️
❤️❤️❤️
It’s so crazy to go through life feeling so alone with all of these things and then to meet beautiful souls here who know to their bones what we’ve gone through.
Thank you for your voice and your presence. 🫶
I feel that. Anytime we can feel “understood” or less alone, it’s a little shot of medicine for our past selves ❤️
So true. ❤️🩹 :)
This resonates so much.
That’s a really heavy, but real realization. Just knowing how many people can relate to this subject… I think it’s a lot more than we think. Love to you, Jennifer ❤️
I don’t know if my reply half posted…. I wrote about reverting back in my new book- I didn’t go too in depth, but f*ck… I related so much to this essay that I almost put it down a couple times so thank you. I see you. I got you.
Damn, Jennifer. Thank you. I see you too. I’ve got you. There’s a strong as hell sisterhood that exists within these tales. It’s very important. Big big love to you ❤️
😭😭😭
This is incredibly moving. I love these words: "I came from something sad and broken and scary, and spun it into spider silk. I am stronger than steel but I remain soft. That kind of gentle strength can only come from a place of pain." Your story resonates with me so much - I could have written those words. Thank you for sharing your heart.
Oh, Molly, this is so touching. I’m moved to be sharing this space with you. Thank you. And so much love to you ❤️
Happy Mother's Day to you. You've done an amazing job of mothering yourself. Truly.
Thank you, Leslie! That is really such an incredible thing to say. I really appreciate it. And same to you if it applies to your tomorrow❤️
💔❤️🩹❤️
I understand❤️
Thanks for this Abbey, I love your writing style.
Thank you, Luann. I really appreciate that❤️
Incredible. honest. Powerful. This was very good
Thank you. Matthew. You’re getting a hug❤️
You’re welcome. ☺️
You have a strong gift. That's why I put my little phrase up for all to know: "A work in progress. Nothing is ever finished." You are moving forward, still growing, and learning. The only easy day was yesterday, which is a phrase I like. You made it this far, and you can keep going. I know it. You know it. Never quit.
Thank you, Mark! Love the phrases. This is, as always, so very kind of you❤️
This gave me hope in my journey. Thank you
Thank you for sharing that with me, Susan. I am here if you ever wanted to talk to someone who can name all of your feelings by heart. Love to you❤️
Such a healing path you have been walking. It can require many starts, stops and do overs. We all have an “ism.” Some of us know what ours are, and others will be discovered in time. Having the awareness, and loving all our parts. You are feeding her with the most nourishing food now, Love. What your parents were unable to provide her. Saying no, to a generational trauma that was never yours to carry. Setting it down, beginning anew with the dawn of each day. A redemption story filled with so many deep feelings. Loving care to that adorable bikini 👙 little girl, who is a woman now standing in her own agency and power. Lovingly and with aloha. 💜🪶
Awwwww Joanie!!!! Goodness, this is so sweet and generous and kind, and I felt every word. I'll be sure to give this beautiful message to Little Abbey. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts❤️