Dear Abbey

Shapeless in Seattle

This is Dear Abbey,
The Girl’s Guide for the Good Guy.

Dear Abbey,

I’m not in great shape. I’m not in bad shape, I don’t think. Honestly, I’m not even sure I really understand the subtle differences between the two. I go to the gym everyday. I eat fairly clean. But I’m not ripped or shredded. Despite my best efforts I’m still doughy around the middle. I’m average at best, I’d say. The women I’ve been with have said they like the way I look, but I’ve never really believed them. It feels like the polite thing to say to someone you’re in a relationship with. It makes me wonder, what does a woman actually like, look for, and find attractive about a man’s body. I’ve never heard this discussed much, and I’d love to know.

Thanks for your help,

Shapeless-in-Seattle

Hi, Shapeless in Seattle! Ok, cute pseudonym. I like you already. Personality and wit are highly important in this matter, so this is good to know. Thank you for being here and asking such a personal question. And honestly, this is one of my favorite topics to cover!

First of all, you sound like you’re very healthy and I’d like to applaud you on that. What we put into our bodies, and how we move them, doesn’t always have us looking like what other people look like who do the same things. And that can be incredibly frustrating. So, I’d just like to firstly congratulate you on what seems like a solid relationship with health and fitness.

I’ll be a little bit scientific on this first, if you don’t mind. I have studied nutrition and fitness my entire life and have a few wisdom nuggets I can offer… plus, I’m wearing glasses in my photo so you know I’m serious.

Body composition (the ratio of fat mass to lean mass of your muscle, bones and organs) plays such a huge factor in our physical shape. Because muscle tissue burns more calories at rest than fat tissue, someone with more lean muscle mass will naturally burn more calories daily, which leads to more fat loss.

You said you go to the gym everyday, that’s great! If you don’t already, I highly encourage weight lifting and strength training. Muscle takes a lot of energy to maintain, build and perform. And the more muscle you have, the higher your basal metabolic rate (BMR), which means the more calories you’re burning just being sedentary.

And I hope you’re not gauging your progress via a scale, because that’s such a tricky metric. It’s just one number that doesn’t factor in your muscle, fat, and water. You could see that number go down… but it might be due to muscle loss, which would be slowing down your metabolism and making it harder to maintain long term weight loss.

Also, muscle is denser and takes up less physical space than fat, so two people with the same weight (and even ingesting the same foods) can look significantly different. A higher muscle-to-fat ratio usually results in a leaner and more toned physique at the very same body weight.

Genetics also play such a large role here. As do hormones. Our genetic makeup determines where we store fat, what your natural metabolism is, and your capacity to build muscle. And hormone balance (insulin, cortisol, testosterone) is very important in how our bodies use energy.

Now, we can’t change a lot of that… especially the genetics part. But we can control cortisol. Cortisol is the hormone that’s released during stress. And chronic stress triggers the release of a whole lot of it, which leads to weight gain due to a few factors. It causes us to overeat with an increased appetite, it signals our body to crave foods higher in sugar and/or fat in the search for comfort, and it encourages extra fat storage… particularly around the belly.

You mentioned being ‘doughy around the middle’, and part of me wonders what your relationship to daily stress is. I wonder if you could adapt some practices to potentially lower your stress, and therefore the high amounts of cortisol being released in your body? Just a thought to think on, if that’s applicable at all ;-).

So, now that the science has been taken care of, I’d like to switch gears. Take off my medical hat and put my lady one on. (Don’t worry, the glasses stay, so you can still trust me. Also both hats are cute, so we’re all good here.)

Social media, literature, film and tv have always depicted ‘desirable men’ as burly and, using your words, ripped or shredded. These men are presented this way to rescue us poor little ladies from danger, dragons and despair. It’s a necessary trope to keep us women small and incapable of self regulation…

But that’s not really why you’re here, is it?

Look, SS (can I call you SS?). That’s all a giant, smelly crock of dumb. But it’s one example of a story we’ve all been told a million times and no-one has attempted to debunk it. We’re all just a bunch of sheep-minded folks who go along with bad plans because it’s just what’s laid out before us. And I’d like that to change.

I’ll do my best.

As women, we may marvel at the muscled man on the beach taking his shirt off. It may catch our eye, and we may even linger on him a bit. We may giggle and blush and nudge each other about it.

But we’re staring at art. We’re staring at a sculpture behind a glass case. We can’t get too close to it, or god forbid touch it, or else it crumbles. It’s too fragile of a state for any longevity. It’s a fleeting image that draws our attention for a moment, and then we move on.

It’s a quick bump in the bathroom versus the slow burn of feelgoodness that we’re really after.

Every woman wants something that lasts. Even if we’re moving through some easy targets because it’s easy at the moment… deep down, every woman wants something to stick around and never leave.

That’s not what we see when we see ripped and shredded.

Women all have a real, under-bellied fear of you leaving us for another newer model. So we are so very attracted to stability.

Society may tell you that you need to be big and perfectly toned for us to want to sleep with you… but it tells us that we lose our shine before we even hit pre mid-life.

So we don’t look at a shiny, buffed, fast moving vehicle and think ‘forever’. We think… oh that’s fun to look at. Cool.

And then we get distracted and move on.

Here’s the secret, SS. What women really want, in the physical sense, is a man who looks like he takes care of himself.

We want your toenails clean and clipped. We want your fingernails un-hanged. Neither have to be polished and paid for, but just please have them tidy.

We don’t wanna be shivved whilst snogging.

We want you to put some effort into the way you keep your body hair. We don’t need you to be dolphin’ed, just look like you don’t want someone to get lost in there.

We want you to smell good.

Jesus, please smell good.

And I mean EVERYWHERE.

From tongue to testicle, pay attention.

We don’t even need you to wear cologne. But if you do, Heavens-to-Betsy, keep that shit light. We want you to enter the room first. Not Drakkar Noir on his steed.

Soap is just fine.

Use it.

And a wash cloth. That’s the least amount of exfoliation you should be doing.

No one wants to spoon a stinky skink.

We want you to put some effort into how you dress. But please don’t spend more time than we did getting ready.

Same goes for hair, if you have it. And if you don’t? Please don’t worry about that… bald is incredibly sexy if you’re doing everything else right. But if your hair is greasy or crunchy from products?… we out. We want something to run our hands through and grab onto, not snap off or stain our clothing with. And again… if you’re bald? We’ll find something else to hold on to, don’t you worry. And it will probably be somewhere in that doughy center vicinity.

We’re very grabby when there are things in front of us to grab.

So, as far as clothes… have a ‘uniform’ that you feel good in and wear it proudly. Change it up to keep things interesting, but we don’t want a runway show every day.

Look like you can handle a wrinkle and a shoe scuff and not have a conniption. We like you weathered and unwavering.

Beyond that, we don’t want to spoon Thor. No woman wants to even ladle that.

That guy with the 9% body fat with abs you can play music on is of no real use to us outside of the window display.

And here’s why. Because for women, it’s very rarely only about one thing. And it’s almost always about the emotional, mental and history behind what we’re addressing at the moment.

That guy with the big muscles and the extra tight skin wrapped around each and every one, spends more time in the gym than he does with us. We’re very aware of that. That guy wants to talk macros and leg day instead of feelings. That guy doesn’t notice us like you do. He’s only noticing himself.

Because his body is his priority. It’s his job. And he’s a very dedicated and loyal employee.

Shapeless-In-Seattle, I’ve been in the fitness world, and I know what it takes to keep up that level of ripped physique.

It’s hard as hell. So, much respect to the diligence and dedication... I mean no disrespect to the folks who live their life that way.

I used to be one.

But they aren’t happy. Not in the real, lasting way. They aren’t happy because they aren’t eating enough carbohydrates to give them the energy to be happy.

And they’re constantly chasing the dragon. Constantly nitpicking and tweaking certain body parts, never quite fulfilled.

Their life is their body. And that job is full-time. So they have no time left for anyone else. And they certainly have no time for fun.

What a woman really wants in a man’s physique is the knowledge that they care about themselves enough to put in some effort to be healthy and strong. But they’re soft enough around the edges to bend to us.

We like a little pooch. It shows us you don’t take yourself too seriously. We want a real body that knows what to do with ours.

Not untouchable art.

We want to cuddle you without getting stabbed by a hip flexor.

We want to go out to dinner with you and not sit across from a Tupperware of steamed broccoli and poached chicken breast.

We want to sleep in with you and not roll over to an empty bed-half because you chose the gym over morning sex again.

That little dough in your middle, SS? Not only do we not mind it, we like it. It shows us you’re real and sturdy.

That dough is stronger than any deltoid could ever be.

It’s stable.

Because you’re here.

The super fit man on the beach is a postcard.

You’re the novel.

I want to tell you that these women who’ve told you that they like the way you look?

Listen to them. If they are still coming back to you, they mean it. If they continued to climb in bed and touch you and ask to see more of you, they mean it.

And isn’t that what you’re looking for after all? The woman in your bed to accept all of you fully and truly?

That’s all that we want too, SS. We all just want to be loved and accepted for exactly who we are… with the wiggle and jiggle room to be able to grow together.

I appreciate you and your vulnerability here, Shapeless-In-Seattle. I can tell a lot about a man in how they choose to frame a sensitive question.

Your heart is doughy, and it is strong. And so are you.

Both things can be true.

And that counts for a lot in what women want. I promise you that. The right woman is the one who sees all of you and accepts all of you.

I promise she’s out there if you haven’t already found her.

So, yeah. I imagine your shape is just right, SS.

Take care of you xo

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For any questions you want answered by me for this new column, either comment below or DM me. Or ask a friend to DM me for you. I’ll keep you anonymous; you’re safe here.

This is Dear Abbey,
The Girl’s Guide for the Good Guy.

And if you like to listen to girls talk more about boys and stuff, you should absolutely subscribe to my podcast, Candy Downs Abbey Wade with my bestie Candy Downs .

I love you 💋