Dear Abbey

Underwhelmed in Arizona

This is Dear Abbey,
The Girl’s Guide for the Good Guy

Dear Abbey,

I’m a big fan of the podcast. I love the way you and Candy play off of each other so well. It’s always hilarious and engaging. But I also love the way you two are so open and honest about important topics that are touchy to talk about. When I was listening to the “big dicks” episode, I was struck by the way you two approached the subject, you talked about the subject beyond the physical. We’ve all heard the cliches, “size doesn’t matter”, or “it’s not the size that matters, it’s how you use it”, or “it’s not the size of the boat, it’s the motion of the ocean”. As a guy who wouldn’t be considered ‘well-endowed’, these sayings have always felt like consolation prizes. Like participation trophies, maybe because they stay at the physical level. Even though I’ve never had complaints, I still can’t help but feel some insecurity around the matter. I was intrigued to hear you both say that size wasn’t something that concerned either one of you when it comes to intimacy. Could you say more about your thoughts on the size issue, and if it’s true that it doesn’t matter, what does?

Thanks for taking the question,

Underwhelmed in Arizona.

Underwhelmed in Arizona!!! Hi!! Whew. Ok, this is such an important topic, and I’m so happy to cover it. Thank you for asking! (And for listening to the podcast!)

When Candy and I approached this subject, it was organic and unplanned. And I’m really proud of how we handled it. You’re so right. It, among other things we discuss there, can be touchy. She and I like to take things head on (pun intended); just dive right in and trust that we’re both kind and caring people, so whatever comes out will show that.

The fact that you’re asking this question tells me a lot about you. And… honestly? That’s kind of our whole point. You seem like you’re invested in a woman’s pleasure and what part you play in that. That is FANTASTIC. Kudos, UA.

So as usual, we’re gonna get all sciencey first. And I’m going to make sure this is noted upfront that I’m approaching this subject from a heterosexual perspective because of the specificity of your question. I, by no means, intend to exclude anyone by doing so.

But we’re going to school first, because somewhere along the way we were all told this story that the bigger the winkle, the better the lover. And I think that story needs a rebranding.

The Greeks liked them small, and the Romans associated a larger size with good luck and fertility and even thought them to protect from the ‘evil eye’. (Being someone who wears evil eye jewelry on the regular, I’m now highly concerned with what I’ve been protecting myself from all this time.)

And if we look into the animal kingdom, in species where the females mate with multiple males, both the penis and testicles have evolutionized themselves to be larger in order to conquer the game of breeding.

So… basically, the men made themselves bigger just to try to win.

The ladies never asked for this, mind you. It just happened because the boys kept competing themselves into bigger-ness.

Anyway. Let’s learn a few more little tidbits about animal peckers. Because why the hell not. Maybe it’ll come up on Jeopardy and you can dazzle the living room with your schlong knowledge (Schlongedge?).

Did you know that the barnacle has the longest penis relative to body size, measuring at roughly 40 times its body length? Yup. It just casts that sucker out and fishes for action since the rest of him can’t move.

As fascinating as that may be, that’s precisely what I fear will happen if you all keep evolving into bigger dicks. Just a bunch of couch turnips with fishing cocks trying to catch anything it can stick to. Like those stretchy, sticky hands we all had in middle school. Or a frog’s tongue when it sees a bug on a rock.

Did you also know that the blue whale holds the overall record for largest penis ever? It’s 8-10 feet. That’s just under 3 feet short of a whole Manute Bol. I’ve always wondered where the whale keeps that extra cargo. Is there a storage compartment under there? Does it dangle? Does it also catch stuff like the barnacle’s fella? Do they maybe work together in a great big pineapple under the sea?

Now, if we’re talking land animals, the elephant unsurprisingly has the largest, with his extending to almost 7 feet long. (That’s almost a whole Manute Bol if we’re still using basketball player metrics.) It’s a good idea the elephant and the blue whale don’t know each other. I don’t wanna see that cock fight.

Oh, and this one makes my day. Did you know that the honeybee has a microscopically small penis that explodes during mating, which then rips off, plugs up the female to prevent any other bee peenie from getting inside, and then kills him?

Read that back again.

Also, lastly (and I promise I’m done with animal knobs) the gorilla has the smallest penis relative to body size of any mammal… averaging at about 1-2 inches hard.

UA. Duuuuuude. That’s King Muthafuckin’ Kong. Who has serious anger issues. Is it because of his micro peepee?

we. just . don’t . know.

Just saying. You only rage and thrust and show everybody you’re a ‘big, strong man’ like that if you’re overcompensating for a Not-So-King-Sized-Dong.

So listen up, UA. While you may not consider yourself ‘well-endowed’, you can keep moving through life with the knowledge that your dick is bigger than King Kong’s.

Plus, unless you left this out of your letter, you’re far better off than a honeybee. Assuming that since you wrote me, your buzzing, little willie didn’t detach and murder you.

Ok. Let’s hop off of animal plonkers now.

Scientists believe that the shape of the human penis evolved in order to clear and clean the semen from a woman’s past lovers. They think it looks and behaves the way it does so it can literally get on in there and scoop out any competitors’ traces and replace it with his, thus increasing the chances of him becoming a father… assuming she’s had multiple partners in a short amount of time.

Leave it to a man’s penis to assume she’s just out there spraying all over town.

(Probably fair, though… probably fair.)

That just shows how competitive you boys have always been with your dicks. Your penis head can smell another man’s presence, and the genetic main focus of your action becomes to clear that fucker out so you can mark your territory.

Just a bunch of untrained puppies out there peeing in all of us.

And that’s all fine if we’re talking only about humans having sex to mate. But that’s just not who we are any more. Sex is also a sport now, babe. It’s a trade. A hobby. A pastime. Sex is for fun and pleasure and a way to connect with another human, in whatever capacity you both choose.

It’s a way to kill a few minutes, show off your fresh shave, or murder a migraine.

So if we’re not needing the penis to scoop us anymore, why would we still be thinking bigger is better?

Well, there is the cervix of the matter. The longer the penis, the easier it can reach our cervix. And that’s like a game show challenge to you boys. That mystical cervix. All up there and hiding, and you can’t see it or ask it to bring you a bagel. You gotta try to reach for it. You just have to do your damndest to touch that thing, don’t ya. Like that Snickers bar that got caught in the vending machine at work.

And, sure, that cervix-pounding can be pleasurable for some… but it’s also very painful for a lot of women. The cervix is a really sensitive organ, and that type of forceful or deep contact can literally bruise us up there.

Has any Long-Dicked-Dan ever asked a woman how high her cervix is?
Well, he damn well should.

Why aren’t we on the topic of high vs. low cervixes anywhere? Where’s that conversation? The cervix has to be able to take the size of the penis that you’re all so obsessed about, so why aren’t we ladies bragging about that? Bringing our OB’s to parties and letting them speak the gospel that is MY HIGH CERVIX 🙌. Just waving our X-Rays around like it’s Mardi Gras. Flashing ‘em for beads.

“Look how high mine is, ya bitchesssss!”

I, for one, have a very high cervix, so I can take a lot. (ahem)

Do I need that?

Nah. We cool here.

But, alas, that’s not what you came here for, is it UA? You sweet, sweet man. Ok, I’ve gotchu.

So, intimately speaking… Every single man I have been with who has not had what would be labeled as a large penis, has pleasured me in ways that no other man has. These men have been creative and attentive. They’ve taken their time. They’ve devoured me in nibbles and swallows and made my back curl and my toes furl. I’ve screamed into pillows with these men. I’ve made noises no one thought were possible.

And not one bit of it has been because of his size. It’s been because of who he was and the attention he gave to my body.

It feels good in there no matter the size, UA.

Sex with these men has been a conversation, not a soliloquy.

I have never once been with a man who was forthcoming with his braggable dick size and left feeling satisfied.

Not. Once.

Maybe some of you are out there, and I mean no disrespect. I just haven’t met one. And neither have any of my girlfriends.

Because that man has been told all his life that he doesn’t have to try. He thinks he can rest on his big ole joystick laurels and everything else will just fall into place. The women will just come running and open up like he’s wielding a vagina magnet down there. This guy even likes to show it off; pull it out like it’s our little pet we get to fawn over.

We do not want this, boys.

This man is so proud of his big dick because he has been conditioned by society (and probably his diluted, big-dicked dad) to think that he has the ultimate prize. And he doesn’t have to do a damn thing with it except wait for us to get it hard and then poke us with it.

We don’t want to be poked, UA.

Like, never.

Not on our shoulder. Our bellies. In our vagina (or cervix if you’re long-donged). Not one woman says yes please to being poked. By anything. Anywhere.

And you know what else we don’t like? Having to do more work than we’re already told we have to do in this damn man world. So Mr. Massive Member who just thinks he can lie down and have us do it all, or climb on top or flip us around and jackrabbit us like he’s clearing cement, has no idea how to pleasure a woman.

But you, UA, you seem like the kind of man who definitely wants to… and probably already does.

Here’s what I’ve learned from my experiences with men who are not “well endowed”.

These men care. They’re aware that they don’t come fully loaded, so they take time to learn what makes us quiver. What makes our face make that shape that only you have ever seen. What makes us want to keep coming back for more because something mind-bending happened that we have to return to.

These men have researched what makes a woman feel transcendent. They’ve purchased books. They’ve studied our anatomy like it’s a goddamn fantasy football league.

THEY. CARE.

And that, UA, is what matters to us. You wanting us to feel good? That’s such a turn on. And guess what?

We will want to return the favor.

that’s . how . it . works.

That guy who just hammered us with his eyes closed? We don’t want to do any damn thing to him. He lost his chance. His turn has passed. No soup for you!

Ok, sorry for soup in an otherwise moist environment.

Also, sorry for the moist.

My point is, it truly does not matter the size of your dick. I promise you, it does not. Unless you’re standing naked to compete in some sort of twisted naked body competition, it’s not a thing we care or think about when we’re considering wanting to be with you.

We don’t spend as much time as you do thinking about your dick, I promise you.

I don’t need to see it first before I agree to date you. I don’t need to check references. I don’t need to shake, rattle or roll it to test for durability. If I connect with you, and want to share my body with you, that’s because you did something before your penis was ever a part of my thinking.

As women, we have to receive you. We need to want to open up to you, and for you. For us, foreplay starts way before we’ve even hit the sheets… or that edge of the sink at the bar because we just couldn’t wait until we got home. So much of that comes from how you treat us, and how you make us feel.

That’s it.

That’s truly it.

You’re doing great, UA. I promise. Keep it up.

Also, the clitoris does not care one bit about the size of your penis, my love. That’s the area you should be focusing more on anyway. And we can take care of that with our vibrators, so you all better make sure you’re up to speed on it.

xoxo,
Abbey💋

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For any questions you want answered by me for this new column, either comment below or DM me. Or ask a friend to DM me for you. I’ll keep you anonymous; you’re safe here.

This is Dear Abbey,
The Girl’s Guide for the Good Guy.

And if you like to listen to girls talk more about boys and stuff, you should absolutely subscribe to my podcast, Candy Downs Abbey Wade with my bestie Candy Downs . We’ll be back soon, promise.

I love you 💋